So yeah, I totally would have picked the Pats if I’d predicted the Thursday night game. Will I ever post my Thursday night predictions before the game takes place? Only time will tell. Now, let’s look at how I did last week…
Week 1: 8-7
Mastercraft Padlock of the Week/Eliminator: Advanced!
My Proline Ticket: 0-1
Now, on to the rest of this week’s games…
SUNDAY EARLY GAMES aka Yes!
Panthers @ Bills: The Bills losing a tight game to the Patriots last week could be their biggest win of the season. Look for Cam Newton and Carolina to bore their way to a low scoring victory. CAR 17 BUF 16
Browns @ Ravens: The Browns have the pieces to make them a contender this season. The only problem is, one of those pieces is suspended until next week. Meanwhile, the Ravens got embarrassed last week in what should have been their Superbowl party in what should have been a home game. The point is, the Ravens are pissed and the Browns get to be their punching bag this week. CLE 17 BAL 27
Vikings @ Bears: Bears’ Defence. Christian Ponder. MIN 16 CHI 31
Cowboys @ Chiefs: Somehow, the Cowboys managed to not self destruct last week and actually won their home opener. Can the good vibrations continue for 2 weeks in a row? Absolutely not. These are the Dallas Cowboys: the longest running sitcom in America. DAL 24 KC 27
Washington @ Packers: One of these teams is going to fall to 0-2 after this game and it won’t be the Packers at home. Interestingly enough, Washington winning the NFC East last year might be the worst thing that could have happened to them this season. With their tough schedule, it could be a few more weeks before Robert Griffin and company see their first win. WAS 23 GB 29
Titans @ Texans: The Titans beat the Steelers last week but the Steelers are potentially one of the 5 worst teams in the league this season. This is the Texans’ division until we hear otherwise. TEN 14 HOU 27
Dolphins @ Colts: One of these teams will be 2-0 after today and I don’t know if I’m ready to live in a world where the Miami Dolphins are 2-0. Sound logic. MIA 21 IND 23
Chargers @ Eagles: The Chargers lost an early lead to the Texans last Monday night, now, on a short week, they’re flying across the country to Philly to play an early game against the Chip Kelly ADHD offense. Philip Rivers doesn’t have time for that shit. He has exactly enough time to make multiple ill-advised passes and get the hell out of there. SD 13 PHI 33
Rams @ Falcons: The Rams will start the season 2-0 and the Falcons will start 0-2 on an Earth of post-apocalyptic nightmares. Falcons roll today. STL 21 ATL 34
SUNDAY AFTERNOON GAMES aka Redzone Light
Lions @ Cardinals: The Lions look like perennial playoff hopefuls as long as Reggie Bush remains in one piece instead of multiple pieces scattered across the field. Until that happens, you have to like the Lions and, oh yeah, they’re playing the Cardinals. As of now, Larry Fitzgerald is a gametime decision. DET 33 ARI 17
Saints @ Buccaneers: After week 1 the Bucs are being compared to a heap of burning garbage. NO 41 TB 21
Broncos @ Giants: It’s the Manning Bowl which, this season, is code for the Broncos win by more than a touchdown. DEN 33 NYG 24
Jaguars @ Raiders: Last week, I picked the Raiders to lose to the Colts for my Mastercraft Padlock of the Week. That game turned out closer than I would have expected and now I’m enthusiastic enough about the Raiders to take them easily over a Jags team that scored just 2 points last week. JAC 10 OAK 33
SUNDAY NIGHT GAME aka The Battle for Planet Earth
49ers @ Seahawks: Yes, the future of the planet depends on the outcome of this game but I want to live on an Earth not ruled by Jim Harbaugh because he is a crazy person. Now, I don’t think Pete Carroll is 100% mentally stable, but he’s fun loving and Harbaugh doesn’t even understand what that means. Oh yeah, and the Seahawks are playing in Seattle. SF 17 SEA 20
MONDAY NIGHT GAME aka The Battle to Lease Property at an Abandoned Strip Mall
Steelers @ Bengals: This is one of those classic Monday Night games where everyone is bored to tears and the Steelers defence will be the only thing that keeps this close. Make sure you keep an eye on Ben Roethlisberger and Pittsburgh Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley being pulled apart as they try to choke each other to death. PIT 10 CIN 13
MasterCraft Padlock of the Week: So, as I may not have explained last week, the picks I’m making for this portion of the Brandictions are the same picks I’m making in my eliminator pool. Last week, I took the Colts over the Raiders so I’m still alive. This week, I’m fighting the urge to take the Raiders. I think the Raiders are one of the worst teams in the league, but I also think this years Jags are maybe the worst team in NFL history. This seems crazy, and I can’t believe I’m typing this right now, but the Oakland Raiders are my lock of the week. NO! NO! I can’t do it! This is what internal conflict looks like. Okay. Maybe I should reason this out as I go. Other potential picks are the Ravens over the Browns. But the Browns are sneaky and Trent Richardson could take that game over if the coaches let him. The Eagles over the Chargers looks like a solid bet, but before the season, the Eagles were seen as a borderline .500 team. Now they’re seen as one of the best teams in the league? Maybe we need to pump the brakes just a little bit. But when I picture the Raiders in their home opener, I see an insane crowd pumping up Terrelle Pryor while the Jags wallow in their own awfulness. That’s it. I’m really doing it. The OAKLAND RAIDERS are my Mastercraft Padlock of the Week.
My Proline Ticket: Again, please don’t bet any money based on my picks. My goal is to essentially win one game ticket this year. This weeks picks are:
The Lions to win by more than 3 points over the Cardinals in Arizona.
The 49ers and Seahawks to tie (less than a field goal)
The Steelers and Bengals to tie (less than a field goal)